June 19, 2003

URBANA--"A divorcing son or daughter may not welcome a parent's advice, but they're not likely to shrink from a comforting embrace," said Angela Wiley, expert in family relations at the University of Illinois.

Parents of divorcing children are often unsure how to help a grown child who is hurting. Wiley said American parents are unsure about their role in a married child's life from the moment their son or daughter announces an engagement.

When grown children divorce, our feelings only become more complicated. "We want our grown children to be independent because we believe that our children's success as grown people validates our parenting," she said.

But it can be difficult for parents to watch such a drama unfold without offering an opinion, particularly if they have strong feelings about the child's spouse. Those feelings can run the gamut from strong attachment to extreme anger.

Wiley said the developmental needs of the two generations don't mesh very well at this point. "Middle-aged and older parents are thinking about their legacy at this stage in their lives. They're concerned about what they have accomplished and what they are leaving behind for future generations. And they want to impart their wisdom to their children and grandchildren," she said.

"But adults in their 20s and 30s are establishing an independent identity from their parents," she said. "They're trying to figure out who they are, and a big piece of that is learning how to interact with a partner in an intimate way. If things aren't going well, they probably won't want to hear the wisdom their parents are eager to impart."

Wiley said that a grown child's reasons for divorce may be difficult for his or her parents to understand. "Our ideas about marriage have changed a lot in the past few decades. Older adults didn't see divorce as much. And they probably didn't consider divorce an option for themselves either," she said.

In past years, marriages were more of an alliance between families than two individuals. And women didn't have the careers or skills that allowed them to be economically self-sufficient, Wiley said.

"But today's marriages are based on romance," she added. "Couples like for their parents to approve of their choice, but they don't give them too much input. Young couples today decide to stay married based on whether they are happy or not," she said.

Stephanie Koontz, a historical researcher on U.S. families and relationships, writes that the "happy 1950s marriage" was largely a myth and that marriages are probably no more unhappy than they ever were. For this reason, many middle-aged parents may think that grown children should "tough it out for the sake of their children."

Wiley warns parents to be "very cautious in giving advice because adult relationships are complicated. Remember that the marriage was a decision they made, the spouse is someone they loved, and they don't want to hear you say, 'You made a stupid choice.' Also, be careful what you say about the spouse because they may get back together."

Unless specifically asked, offer emotional support instead of advice. "Offer a shoulder to cry on and listen to their stories. Try to be sensitive to what they need at the time, but don't give them more than they ask for. Stand back a bit and let them solve their problems on their own," she said.

Wiley says some parents worry that the breakup is partly their fault, or a reflection on their childrearing. They may ask, "Were my husband and I poor role models?" Or, if a son or daughter had an affair, "Did we communicate our values strongly enough?"

Wiley said these parents should realize that they are not the only influence on their children's beliefs and behaviors. Peers, the media, and the child's temperament all play a role in the kinds of relationships they establish and the decisions they make.

"We may have to watch our children make mistakes, get into a marriage that isn't healthy for them, or mess up a marriage that we think looks healthy, but we have to remember that it's their job to figure this out," she said.

Wiley recommends putting that nervous energy to work in a different way. If the divorcing child has children, grandparents can channel their energies into surrounding their grandchildren with a cloak of family love. "Grandparents provide stability and attention for grandchildren when divorcing parents become preoccupied with their own trauma. They can provide a safe place and find ways to keep the child involved in family life in a stable way," she said.

"Make sure the children know that, yes, your mom and dad have split up, but we love you and we will love you no matter what. Even if you live somewhere else, we'll write letters and send videotapes," she said.

"Grandparents should be prepared to answer tough questions, such as 'Why doesn't Mom love Dad anymore?' If one parent is out of contact with the children, emphasize the love that exists in the parent who's still there," Wiley said. "Children are hurt most when parents undermine each other. That goes for grandparents too. It's important for grandparents to have answers that are fair or nonpartisan."

If their son or daughter doesn't have custody of the children, grandparents may find it hard to maintain contact. "Let your former in-law know that you want to be part of the children's lives. In a worst-case scenario, courts in some states can decide whether to give you visitation rights," Wiley said.

She adds, "Older adults who are watching their children go through a divorce often feel a great deal of personal stress. Try to alleviate that stress in ways that are healthy for you and that don't involve blaming your child, crying on her shoulder, or expecting your child to fix your stress for you."

-30-