Conflict in families can negatively affect individuals’ wellbeing and relationships. But what exactly do families today fight about, and is conflict in the home generally more severe between couples or between parents and children? A new study from the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign explores these topics, shedding light on important but often overlooked aspects of family dynamics.

“Many studies have documented the impact of conflict on family relationships, but most of those have looked at how the conflict is managed rather than what family members are discussing. We were interested in looking at areas of disagreement across multiple family relationship types,” said lead author Noah Larsen, a graduate student in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies, part of the College of Agricultural, Consumer and Environmental Sciences at Illinois.  

The researchers surveyed a nationwide sample of 593 adults who were parenting at least one child between the ages of 4 and 17. Participants indicated the severity of various conflict topics in their couple relationship and with their children. Separate topic lists were created for couples, younger children (ages 4-12), and teenage children (ages 13–18).

For couples, the most severe conflict issue was communication, followed by mood and tempers, parenting, household chores, and money management. For parents and teenagers, household chores and untidy rooms were the most severe conflict topics, followed by technology and phone use. For parents and young kids, bedtime delays, obeying instructions, and picky eating were the top conflict areas.

The researchers note their results, particularly for couples, are consistent with common topics of conflict identified in decades of prior research.

“Think about how much relationships in our world have changed in the last 50 years, with massive cultural and technological shifts. Interestingly, despite all these changes, couples still seem to argue about the same things. This suggests there are some fundamental aspects for what it takes to make a romantic relationship last,” said co-author Allen Barton, Illinois Extension specialist and assistant professor in HDFS.   

For topics of conflict that appeared across multiple family relationships, Larsen and Barton found those conflicts typically were more severe for couples compared to parents and children, suggesting a unique intensity to conflict topics when they appear in a marriage or romantic relationship relative to parent-child relationships. This elevated severity of conflict between romantic partners was most evident with topics of money, communication, spending time together, and showing affection. 

“This information about common sources of strife can help couples and families better anticipate and prepare for conflict, and it highlights to families dealing with these issues that they are not alone in what they are going through. It can also help researchers and practitioners address conflict areas that are most salient in many families,” Barton said.

“Our research provides information across a variety of family relationship types about what gets under people's skin in modern-day American families. We found that some of the most severe issues for couples tended to be part of their everyday interactions, highlighting for individuals working with couples the importance of devoting attention to address these day-to-day relationship aspects.”

Larsen and Barton also looked at sociodemographic differences in conflict severity but found few significant differences, suggesting that the most common topics of conflict are experienced similarly by lots of families. Women reported higher severity for communication, moods and tempers, parenting, and household chores than men in their couple relationship, consistent with prior work noting women are often more attuned to relationship issues than men. But overall, findings were similar across age, education, household income, and other characteristics.

“These struggles appear to be common across different types of families. And maybe more importantly, the more we are able to help families confidently address these areas of conflict, the better we can help them reach the goals and dreams they have for their kids, for their couple relationship, and for their family,” Barton concluded.

The paper, “Topics of conflict across family subsystems,” is published in the Journal of Family Issues. [DOI: 10.1177/0192513X241237601].